Change

We deal with change every day.   We are adapting constantly to change, whether at work or at home.  Most change just happens and we go on and never think about it.  It’s the large changes in our life that take time for adjustment; getting married, birth of a child, family death, moving and retiring.   I’m finding myself straddling the “in between” right now.  I haven’t moved onto my next chapter in my life outside of work, yet I’m being left out of the current chapter at work.

I am a workaholic and have made work a major portion of my life.  I am never the first to leave and have worked from home many weekends.  My replacement has been hired and I am training him.  There is no going back.  I am still participating in all meetings, which is very nice of my boss, as current discussions are now for things that will happen after I am gone.  I hear of things to come and why now do they sound exciting and interesting, when a month ago it would have seemed frustrating and boring.  I really don’t like traveling for business, but when I hear of planned trips I’m going to miss this.  Why was the supplier that was a pain in the ass last month, is now not so bad?  Why does it seem that all the employees are getting along when all there has been for the last 2 years is employee issues.

All I feel now is the walking away from a major portion of my life, but I haven’t yet filled it with the new.   All I’m seeing is what I’m going to be missing as I haven’t found what to replace it with yet.   I think what is also concerning is what will be the “new”.  I have ideas of things I want to do, but am concerned about my ability to go out there and do them.  Even now I get to Sunday and think I should have done this, or that, and I think why didn’t I just do these things, but no, I sat on my butt all weekend and watched TV, or read a book.  Now, there is nothing wrong with either, but I certainly hope there is more than this.

I think today I’m not the giddy child and excited about this forthcoming change, but the depressed older adult who is second guessing a decision, but knows there is no turning back.  The sky is blue and the sun it out, it’s a good day!

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